Our Complacency Won't Last Much Longer

Currently There Came a Lion By Ivoryline Days End see related

Yet we remain so quiet and comfortable in our A to B lives..

What is the real purpose of everything we do? Yes we reproduce, but then you can ask what their purpose is, and so on and so forth. So what is the point of reproduction? What is this all for?

A lot of people and relgions think that if we are just "good people" (whatever that means) then we are rewarded with eternity. This is completely false. Their own doctrines clearly prove otherwise.

It just makes no sense.

This has to end at some point. It's so easy to ignore, but eventually it will all end.

I've always had a hard time with the purpose of all of this. We get so wrapped up in the most meaningless things. Sports is a great example. I'm guilty of being the biggest football nerd, but I often find myself thinking about how silly it is. Billions and billions of dollars are wrapped up in games. And people take it so seriously. They are the envy of most of the population. It's a stupid game. People sacrifice their bodies and put their entire hearts into playing a game.

Same with music. What does it really mean? What good is it really going to do? It's all about feeling.

That's just it. We have the need to feel. We have to feel. Feeling good is the goal of every being.

Why do I have to have a career?

Why do I have to have kids?

Why do I have to go to college?

Why do I have to have a hair cut?

Why do I have to look a certain way?

Why do I have to act a certain way?

Why do I have to be what somebody else wants me to be?

Why do I have to do all of these things?

This was me at age 17. (You might even find some of this in some old and terrible entries. Also, I've used this title before :P)

I constantly struggled with these things. I never thought I'd be happy with any of it. Whenever I think that it's changed, I find myself becoming apathetic once again and slipping towards anhedonia. But for the most part, I've just gotten used to everything.

I feel like someday I could truly be happy.

But I'll never understand why.

"Meaningless, meaningless! Everything is meaningless!"

How Am I Gonna Sort It Out?

Currently For All of This By Early November Every Night's Another Story see related

"Every Night's Another Story..."

I had a dream recently that I had this at the top of a xanga entry. Makes sense. There's so much truth to this one line. In retrospect, every day that's passed is just a blur. But if we could remember our days, weeks and months more vividly, they all tell a story.

"...And go so far... see other places and other people I won't know about."

That happened three years ago. And maybe to a lesser degree.. it happened today.

"Breathe in deep... let it out slow"

I do trust her though. I've had no anxiety about that. Although I want to tell 95% of all guys that talk to her to "Fuck off" or "Go cum on another plate you dumb fuck".... still.

"Make your way down the face of everything we know.

We both know there is something here. I've just been through strong feelings before. They ultimately came up empty. They needed me. I was different. Special. Cute. Funny. After about 6 months.. it fades. Usually because of a "Woe Is Me" attitude. I've also been rather narcissistic (See: This blog) and trapped in my own emotions, and thoughts. I've mostly grown out of this though. Hmm...

"Well, I will wait for you for days."

And probably longer. Going away for a weekend, coming back, then going away for another weekend can make for sad, yet exciting times. When the drama fades, when the "new car smell" wears off. What will there be? For me, my love doesn't fully die.. it just starts to become intertwined with disdain and disapproval.

"Make it sound so good that I won't be right"

I always think I'm right, and in retrospect I typically am. But that's not what is important. Relationships just get crazy. I still can't help but feel that this will be different. I think my biggest problem that remains is that my honesty tends to hurt. So I am typicallly faced with the choice of hurting someone.. or keeping everything inside. I have to be more loving, caring and assuring in doing so.

"Outside my house"

I really don't think I can move again. You'd think I'd be used to it but at this point I'm kinda sick of it. I have to be smart. Not abrupt.

"No matter what I say.. I'm never right"

Things never turn out the way I plan them to. The military sounded good. College sounded good. Moving for a girl who needed me sounded good. Technical school sounded good. Playing music sounded good. Religion sounded good.

Hm. Somehow it's never right.

"I know why no one knows why I am all alone again."

Foreshadowing. Inevitable? It has to end at some point. For it to end... it has to be right.

"Well I will wait for you forever.....

But you'll just GO GO GO"

Now it's over

(Clipped from here)

"It's not good for man to be alone"

Currently 39 Minutes of Bliss (In an Otherwise Meaningless World) By Caesars Sort It Out see related

Since the beginning of time, the most consistent thing has been change. Nothing is ever quite how it used to be. Our ways of living are everchanging. One new discovery leads to another and now we are at the point where distraction is a way of life. There are countless ways to distract ourselves from our families, friends, thoughts, feelings, relationships and many more.

No matter what day or age it is, one thing has always been true: It's not good for man to be alone.

For me, being alone or not being alone is the single greatest factor to my own happiness. Even if it's only for a little while, it's much better than nothing. There is a certain connnection that comes with a relationship. I guess that's what I really need. It's what I'm always in pursuit of. Friends just don't fill that void.

Of course, countless things go wrong along the way, and when the relationship isn't right it just leads to misery.

 "I never wanted all of the hardship and the breaks at all"

I just think it's different this time. It seems to make so much sense. But I can't ask somebody to take such a big chance so soon. People have their own plans. Who am I to get in the way? Maybe that's my problem. Once again: confidence. Self-esteem. Both seem to be missing from that question.

I have to squeeze every drop out of it.

I should prove my worth.

I have to be.... enough.

Now it's over

What is it about you that makes me wanna stay?

Currently Always Leave the Ground By This Day & Age Long Walk Home see related

Is it for the love?

Or is it just the pain?

Who am I kidding.

I tell people that I moved here because of how terrible living in a small town can be... and it's not a lie when I say it. It's just not the whole truth. At all.

I moved here thinking that my eternal discontentment would start to fade. That I would finally be....needed. I didn't feel that way back home. At all.

What else is there to say? It's been two years since I've really done this and everything is just coming out the same. I tell myself that I'm getting better, and I tell myself that I've made pretty big strides in overcoming my severe lack of confidence and my low self-esteem.. but really, I'm just getting better at blending in.

It seems kindof amazing just how well I can blend in sometimes. I'm not talking about being unnoticed, I'm talking about fitting in and coming off as.....normal :O

My head is going everywhere. I can't stick to one topic.

I'm just having a hard time getting past a recent relationship.

I don't like "getting with" random girls. It's kindof a mental thing. I just know that it doesn't mean anything. Knowing me and how I take things, it seems like it'd be the best way to go, but I can't be that way.

I can't be "typical"

No matter how well I can blend in, I will never really blend in and I will always be that very sore, yet beautifully flawed thumb.

What? Haha.

#RetardedThingsPeopleSayInXangaEntries

I guess it just pains me to know that things I've invested myself in are ultimately meaningless, and that my effort isn't enough.

This time last year... she was gushing over me. We slept on flowers.

She was blown away.

Speechless.

All she had ever been was another girl.

Another two minutes in bed.

No, not tonight.

God, I swear it was love.

It couldn't have been better. In any way. It was exactly how you would want it to be.

I've never seen what I would call a beautiful relationship. Everyone is either divorced or unhappily married.

So I guess I just don't know how it's supposed to be. But if somebody can accept my love.. and I am very attracted to her then love should be able to overcome everything.

When you love somebody, you stay with them through difficult times. You can see through their words and know what they mean.

You can be honest, and you can overcome anything.

She'll never be treated better by another man.

She knows this. She admitted it. Literally said those words.

But still, I'm not enough. Who I am isn't enough.

It's never enough.

Now it's over

Maybe tomorrow we'll forget about this year..

And all of the things you wish you could change

All Hail the Heartbreaker!

I just don't have anything to fall back on. I think I'm needy. And that makes me hate myself even more. How sad is that? Re-read that last sentence. How do I really do something about this? Isn't time the only cure? I don't want to wait on time. I want it now.

I can't seem to get the instant gratification I'm looking for. There is just a lot, or one huge thing I don't like about every girl. But what is it about me? I don't really show much of this neediness. I guess I don't really show much at all.

In fact....

I have purposely not asked questions.

Not shown that I care very much.

And dodged any real questions.

Why?

Because that would show that I care.

I did this on purpose. I thought it would work. Isn't that what girls are attracted to? Cause they're surely not attracted to the one who cares. Looks delude everything. (Remember the last post?) It's not that I would ever go way too quick before this and show that I care way too much when I don't even know somebody. Not at all. Nothing was working before, so I thought I'd scrap it all.

And I also realized one thing..

The more feeling you put into a relationship, the more it hurts to break it off. So if I put nothing into it, then I have nothing to lose, right?

That is what gets me in every relationship. Even if the relationship never even happened. I have so much feeling, so much care that develops and it makes everything horrible in the end.

What I need to do is show that I care (when I don't) at least a little bit and things will work out.

This all sounds terrible.

Now it's over

Currently Sunsets & Car Crashes By Spill Canvas All Hail the Heartbreaker! see related