|It's the same old thing as yesterday|
I wanted to write this last night, but I didn't have the words. Feels like its been written before.
What am I doing here?
Was this really supposed to happen?
I've felt like fate was responsible for some things, but why am I here? Why did I have to end up out here? Why couldn't things work out back home? Or in school? Why do I have a learning disability?
Why do I not have any ambition? Motivation? There are things I really want to do.
Write for a sports website
Work for a football team in some capacity
I can't make anything happen.
More than that.
I need attention from the opposite gender.
I need attraction. Even if it's only for a few months, that'd still be a few months I wouldn't be depressed.
Maybe the only ones who were right for me are married.
I guess they made good choices.
The stars have never aligned.
But let's say they do. I know it's impossible for me, but let's get fictional for a minute...
I find someone.
We get married.
What comes next?
I don't value family, because my idea of family is an apathetic father and a psychotic mother who only "loved" me out of obligation. .....But I think that's a different entry in itself. Haha
Also, if it's not clear enough for you yet, I was a pain as a child. Why would I want to have a kid like me? I have nothing to give, at least not anything that anybody seems to want. I think it'd be immoral for me to bring another depressed kid into this world.
I don't belong here.